The Helpless B who needs a huge kick in the ass!

And that would be ME! I am struggling. This may be due to the fact that my first monster rag since being off the devil BC pills is about to start. OR maybe I am just a looney B. First annoyance....my worthless diet and exercise efforts. At what point do you just stop eating?? I am so f-ing sick of counting every f-ing calorie I consume only to see I am gaining the miraculous 3 pounds I lost since starting this hard core business last week. Let's face it, I will fight this battle forever I'm sure.
I wasn't built to be a twig bitch. But THIS is ridiculous!!!

I have NO insurance right now, so I can't get labs done on my bitch hormones or my a-hole thyroid - the two major buttholes that cause me problems. I feel like I am walking around in a layered suit of fat that I am dying to peel off and feel normal again. I gave up wine people...I mean...come on!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I feel so pissed off about this that I actually considering going to an over-eaters anonymous group, but how dumb. I don't over eat!!! I feel I have NO control whatsoever over my own body and it has me pissed off today.

Being here all day waiting for the dream job that will fall from the sky any day now, is not helping. I am going to do Jillian's 30 day shred today AND run for 40 mins after. I hate every f-ing minute of working out!!! I am starting to feel like not doing it. All my friends no longer want to hear about my weight hatred, and I don't blame them one bit, but it goes deeper than they realize. For an already incredibly insecure person, this hurts me so much inside. It is all about control and when you feel in control of yourself, you have won the battle just with that alone. I feel in control of NOTHING. I always come back to the same question....HOW the F does one become secure with themselves? What's the secret??? I hear people twice my age always say.."It wasn't until I was in my late 40's that I finally figured it out." But do we EVER really figure it out?? And if we do, can't it be NOW and not when I am almost 50 years old and have saggy boobs and wrinkles??!!! I am young NOW, and it matters right the F NOW! I would go to a therapist to vent since I have driven my friends crazy, BUT again, I have no insurance right now and I can't go to any doctor for any reason, and if I break an arm or something, I am screwed!

I wish I could connect with a stranger out there in blog world. I need encouragement and someone who feels me on this battle, not only with my stupid weight issues, but the hormones BS, and more importantly, the issues within myself.

Today's post sucks, I know that. I need to vent though, even if not one person reads or cares. It helps me, just a little, and right now this beats talking to my almost deaf boston terrier. The last thing I wanna hear right now is how I just need to switch my thoughts to roses, rainbows and sunshine. NO. It is not a switch you flip, it takes time & work, and people who say it doesn't are full of shit. Those same people probably get this from some bullshit book they read that the writer banked a shit load of money on to sell his useless crap. Doesn't anyone want to deal with shit head on and without believing a book some money hungry asshole wrote will fix it all?

I made a lame to-do list and I do this every day so I won't lose my mind. Today it includes: TV for distraction, more and more job hunting, trying NOT to eat everything in my house, working out, then working out again...Let's see where this day takes me. Sunshine and roses to all on this Monday (Although I'd much rather a massive rain storm and thunder and all that cool stuff) I want summer to end, like NOW. Something about fall and cooler air brings me such a delightful euphoric feeling all by itself, almost like the glorious feeling of sitting down with a shitload of sushi and double bottle of Pinot G!! Ok, I have said enough....like 5 paragraphs ago. That's all.

JJ