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I am not feeling normal this past week. I am an irritable bitch at the moment and even vino can't fix this. And no, I am not on the rag or pregnant. Just a bitch. :/

My list of weirdness...Inspiried by the annoying Target lady

I am not a normal girl, like at all. Stupid Black Friday is what got me to thinking this.

I was thinking about the 800 things about me that are so different from most chicks, and it is kinda weird but I am ok with that. At times though, I am the jerk that won't participate in certain girly activities, because they torture me when I do. Let's start with the obvious...

1. SHOPPING (this is debatable so the more obvious would be...BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING)

Look....I like purses and shoes just as much as the next girl..really I do. BUT I would never camp outside of JC Penny's to get that purse or shoes for 5 dollars off, even 15 dollars off. I don't care how good of a deal that is, HELL NO!!!! I would like to go inside the minds of people that do this and see what could possibly compel someone to do this every year. I am not well off or anything. In fact I am rather low on funds...like always. I don't ever go without paying bills, but I do go without things I want. All. the. time.

Seriously there is a solution to this...EBAY & AMAZON. I am a psycho bargain hunter. I will find those same JCP shoes or purse....probably on ebay, amazon, OR even the JCP site with 8 promo codes, bringing my price down 40 bucks. I will search and search the high heavens of internet lands to find these items I can't go on without. This situation also happens to be very convenient. This means that while I am shopping I can do 98767 other things... like pee if i need to, shower if I need to, watch bad TV as a shop and all without standing (camping) outside a store with evil psychos for days. Just the Target lady commercial this year alone made me despise the black devil Friday shopping even more. Instead, I went to visit fun people and have drinks while all the douche bag Best Buy and Walmart campers trampled on each other.

Aside from Black Friday, I still don't enjoy random shopping. I will NOT go to the mall. When I go shop I have a list of things I am after, and then I make it about half way through before the immense annoyance for things such as these occur:

**People who just stop, mid walk in the mall and clog the walking path

**The annoying lotion guy at the kiosk who stalks you to let him tell you how bad ass your hands are about to feel, OR...

**Women with their 5 kids keep running in front of me, crawling under dressing room doors, or just screaming for no reason. NO NO NO!

As I mentioned before...during my 4 months of unemployment I thought shopping would be a nice pleasurable experience while normal people were at school & work. NO. That is key time for the annoying house wives to come out with all their kids, you know...those little assholes who are under 5?? NO NO NO!

2. JEWELRY

I do not hate jewelry. In fact I love it. BUT..I love the kind of stuff you find that you envision piecing with a certain outfit and these items usually cost under 10 bucks and usually last about 2 to 4 times of wearing. I have tons of that type of fun junk. I just have never been the girl who wishes for diamond studs for x-mas or a "tennis bracelet". What a dumb term anyway. Why would I wanna wear the same stuff everyday? It is annoying how some girls are all obsessed with crap like that. I will never be the chick who wishes for diamonds or whatever. In fact, if I received some of that shit from Walmart, I probably wouldn't even know the difference.

3. Dishes...aka CHINA

THIS IS THE WORST! I couldn't give two shits about some ugly floral patterned plates and the mini size tea cups with another ugly plate to go under it. WHY??? You people that have this use it maybe once a year and then what? Display it? NO. I don't see the point in this and I don't ever look at your ugly flowered plates when they are just "on display". I'd rather spend that massive amount of money on something cool that I'd use...oh I don't know...even six times a year will do.

I have dishes that match my crap but they are just dishes and if one breaks, oh well. I will never spend even ten bucks on fancy (ugly) dishes called china and display them like "Oh look at my expensive dishes...aren't they so awesome and rich looking?" This actually puts you at asshole status if this is you. NO CHINA EVER! Bring on the paper plates please...

4. Christmas decor

This one is not 100% out of the question. As much as my fake tree is a horrible nightmare pain in the ass, that makes a HUGE mess, I got it down this year. I can handle the tree. I can even get semi excited about this tree, maybe even a wreath on the door and lights...but I cannot understand those people who put away ALL daily towels, soap dispensers, rugs, and dishes to use Santa on everything for a month.... or more.

The x-mas bathroom hand towels are the worst...especially with a Santa shaped soap thingy next to it. I used to get x-mas stuff for x-mas every year....and on x-mas day and I'd be like "Oh wow, yay! Thanks, I will be sure to put that in storage for next year as soon as I get it home" Then I never get it out again. I just don't feel the need to go that far with it and I never had space to store a shit load of x-mas crap anyway. I politely requested no longer getting x-mas stuff for x-mas.


5. Nick Nacks & Figurines

I apologize if this offends anyone, but I f-ing hate nick nacky shit and figurines so damn much! It just looks like a big clutterfest and it's ugly. I don't get why women like this kinda crap! I want a house to look as simple as possible while still having style and feel comfortable. I instantly feel anxiety if I walk into someones house and there are 97755489768686 figurines staring at me. It feels as if I could stand up to quickly and they'd all start falling off those stupid little shelves people put against a blank wall to display them. You will never see me walking through Hallmark. I worked there for like 5 seconds as a teen and still feel tortured even seeing that place.




6. Cooking

I like to eat, and I cook, but I don't cook. The extent of my cooking is thawing out chicken and using whatever marinade I can find, then baking it and opening a can of corn/beans and heating that on the stove. Instant dinner. I have never spent hours and hours attempting to cook one meal and I probably never will. I don't mind cooking my little half ass meals, but anything beyond that is not a fun time. Cheers to all the chicks that love to cook. Invite me over.

7. Women who are always cold

I am annoyed at women that are always cold...you know, that lady in the office that has a sweater on in August and complains how cold she is every. single. day. Why are women so cold all the time? I'm thinking this is something that is just off about me because I haven't met my match on always being hot yet and probably never will. I sleep with the ceiling fan on high in December, and wouldn't even turn on the heater if the people in my house didn't force me to. Give me 40 degree weather and a blanket and I'm good to go for when it gets cold in the house. Women that are always whining about being cold seem all fragile and weak to me. I just feel annoyed at them and being in someone elses house or car and being hot is high on my list of things that suck major..

OK, so I am sure there are way more things...but these stuck out in my head as I watched the black Friday assholes and all their injuries from the Walmart stampede. Happy X-mas shopping.

JJ

I have a bad ass blog in the making...but for now it's just THIS ....

There is this wonderful blog I am so close to posting. It is the things I love vs the annoying things in life I hate. I have been adding things to each list for months now. It's not one of those blogs you can't just whip out without recalling what some of these things are, as they happen in daily life. Some of these things you won't even think of until the actual moment. For instance....I LOVE sitting Indian style, like always. I will be in bed at night winding down with DVR (one of my favorite things in existence, but don't we all find ourselves unable to live without it?)

Anyway, so I will be DVRing my ass off and sitting Indian style in the bed. In more recent happenings, I have tried to abstain from sitting that way in the office chair. I always used to before, but then again I had an office and I also had a toaster, heating pad, blender, and candles in this office.I wasn't sure if sitting this way was totally inappropriate to office people or if this was a normal thing. All i know is, when I look around I never see an adult woman sitting in such a way in an office environment. Maybe because people still find dresses necessary for work. I own 2 dresses.... and they are both for wedding type events. Pants allow the Indian style position to be possible in all situations. I adore that and finally last week my legs were almost twitching to be in that position. It is almost second nature to just throw those legs up into that chair in a perfect Indian position and pull myself under the desk so no one sees it. I understand this is not lady like, but that term sucks and is stupid anyway. Why do I have to be "lady like". What is lady like? I will sit with my ankles behind my head if i feel the need an according to my BF "C", I am quite flexible, hence my immense love for the Indian style sitting.

I HAVE SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME DISCUSSING HOW I CHOOSE TO SIT. MY INDIAN STYLE LOVE DISCUSSION ENDS HERE!

Now, on to my awesome blog topic. It will happen soon. I get that no one comments, but I know at least 5 of you now read and are dying to know my thoughts on all things awesome....you are...right???

It is an awesome thing to not hate my job, and not be crying by 5pm on a Sunday. It is NOT so awesome to find a pair of bad ass jeans that you forgot you had and put them on... to discover they cause a serious crotch comfort issue, BUT with that said, I am making good progress and I will be in all my old pants by x-mas.

YES I WILL...I have lost some weight finally after 3 months off the devil's pills. Speaking of x-mas...

I would like the end this pitiful entry with a thought about the holiday season. I have always enjoyed laughing at the x-mas songs in October..the lights that people start putting out on November 1st and most importantly....the Christmas clothing. I have been a huge x-mas scrooge for the past few years and didn't even feel the need for a tree, but this year I feel 58% more holiday-ish and will deal with the tree situation. BUT...under NO circumstances will x-mas attire EVER EVER EVER be ok and I will not EVER be ok with the car antlers that I am ALREADY seeing and will see well into mid January!!

Ok, this is going no where fast and it's time to go chill. I have a sore throat from laughing at such things all day yesterday with C as we wandered about the stores for about 10 hours, which is a miracle for me being that I hate shopping and prefer Mr. UPS to bring me the things I want and must have within 3 to 5 days.

Someone is b-a-n-a-n-a-s this Halloween!

Please ignore my "word vomit" post from yesterday. I thought about just deleting it to hide from my embarrassing rants and thoughts that were CLEARLY all over the place, but then I realized....who cares?!?! That is how I felt last night so F it, and let it be. If I only posted when I felt rosy posy warm flutters inside, it would be a boring ass blog. I only feel and think sunny thoughts about 57% of the time so....you know.

It's Halloween night and I must say, once again....I am SO thankful Halloween was cool still when I was a kid. I'm sorry but a big ass Tahoe dropping kids off every five houses, then driving to catch up, is lame and all the traffic created from everyone having this bright idea makes Halloween just a POS time for kids these days.

When I was a kid, me and the kids on my street would walk a few blocks in a group and had the most fun. Just like how we'd play outside until our parents forced us in to eat dinner. DAMN...no one has to FORCE me to eat dinner nowadays, that's for sho! Can you imagine??? It would be like....

"You best come in here and eat this hot place of delicious goodness OR else!"

So you say..."Hell yeah, don't mind if I do! Make me 2 of that shiz right now please!"

Anyway....so yeah, Halloween (the actual day) is kind of crap now. I am glad adults can still celebrate and make their own fun with it. Halloween parties and events at bars are super fun this time of year, but you never forget Halloween as a kid....even if your mom DID dress you up in a box 3 times your size, wrap you, and call you a walking present. Yes, that's right. Well, that's all...

Happy Tahoe creepin' you crazy fools!!

Inside the mind of CRAZY..and the bullshit games we play

As I write this, I am a slight bit under the influence of vodka. But no fear, I believe I think more clearly after ONE drink. Not, 2, 3, 4-9...Just one. Can anyone relate? It's like after ONE drink you suddenly feel clarity and you feel everything with just a dot more passion than when sober and by the end of drink ONE you feel the need to share this feeling.

So sometimes I think I am bat shit crazy, like for real. Then I wonder...how many people think the same thing about themselves and think they are the craziest nut job around, only to figure out that we are all crazy....just about different things. The truth is WE ARE ALL CRAZY! I believe everyone is a hot mess in their own way and every hot mess out there needs therapy...we all need it. The trouble is admitting it, and then finding someone that is NOT a douche bag, to be our sofa buddy and listen to us after years of our friends getting sick of our shit.

I have been dying to know the answer to one very valid question for years.....HOW does one just suddenly stop being: insecure, needy, worried, paranoid, ...and I could go on and on...

Don't anyone dare tell me to read this BS book and that BS book!

NO!!! THE TRUTH IS... IF ONE PERSON... REALLY DID WRITE SOME BOOK ON THE TRUE ANSWER TO HAPPY RAINBOW SUNSHINE LIFE....DON'T YOU THINK WE'D ALL BE HAPPY SMILES ALL DAY EVERYDAY?...but NO. That is not the case you money hungry guy in a suit who published a book with dollar signs in his eyes, even if he doesn't believe a word it what the book has to say.

We don't all have the same issues...in fact I believe we all have totally different issues....so how can ONE book apply to ME and Jo Smith who lives 19,899 miles away, with a 10000% different life? LIARS!! I bet I can counsel troubled peeps better than these book authors who clearly are just trying to make a buck. I may be nuts but not with other people's issues.

Okay, now on to the games..Let's talk about the "Least Interest Principle".

Although it's total BS to have to use this "principle", it really does work....BUT...I am beginning to think if this does work...you are with a total asshole. Maybe...

This little plan won't work or even be needed, with a truly awesome spouse, BF, GF, whatever...

HOW sad is it that we have to play these games..games that have an actual name.. from some guy that thought he'd make a shitload of money off a newly discovered concept we have all known about since middle school, with the boy that didn't call back... but suddenly liked you once you found a new boy.

Seriously....THIS is a book I could've written myself and some asshole is banking on a concept we've all known since placenta. I SOOOOO WISH I could write a book on relationship BS and the mental crap we all play...it's one clusterfuck of a mess....

I still remember to this day as if it was yesterday...my high school BF and I in the car, going to the Texas A&M bonfire in 97' and him reciting Aeromsith lyrics to me with a cocky little smirk on his face from "Living on the Edge" that said...

"If chicken little tells you that the sky is fallin'
Even if it wasn't would you still come crawlin'
Back again?
I bet you would my friend
Again & again & again & again & again (This part was emphasized..) Looking back it makes sense now...he knew he had all the power and control.

Look, I still LOVE listing to Aerosmith, but when I hear that song I am back in 1997 all over again, in the back seat of that car, right back in the "game".

Funny side note...I still have the red notebook from highschool that me and the boyfriend used to write notes in to each other between classes.

Do people even do that anymore or is everything electronic these days?? I am SO glad I grew up before cell phones got huge, and facebook and myspace ruled the world. At least we can say we have real memories of walking to each other houses, calling each other without knowing who it was before we answered, and passing HAND written notes to each other between classes. I cherish it all still...

OK...SO...BOTTOM line is this: IF you have to play this game with a spouse....wow...that's sad. Oh, but don't get offended...I am one of those assholes that has to play this game STILL and here is the scoop...when does the game end?

Umm, NEVER! You basically go back and forth with the ball of control until one gives in and throws it to you, OR until one finally bows out and says "screw it it, I'm done".

I'm beginning to see that relationships don't change from teen years... to 20's... to 30's... to 60's...its all the same. The game playing never ends.. AND if you beg to differ...you are rare and lucky..


So I think I am in too weird of a place right now to even continue writing this thought, because honestly it could go on and on.

Passion between people and game playing can go hand in hand OR it can be just that, game playing...there is a very thin line there that can confuse the situation. I just got all minded fucked thinking about that so... I will probably delete this before anyone reads it anyway, so...whatever...

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that yes, I am working again..... 5 days in..it's pretty OK considering it's an office job. Cool stuff I am not used to, not that I am over joyed to be working an office again, but it's pretty OK compared to what I had before for the last 7 years. But still...a job that doesn't make me wanna shoot myself is major plus points for me. Oh yeah...

To be honest though, every time I start something new, I do tend to obsess over things of the past, hence my past reflection on relationships, jobs, friends and the other junk in my head this week. I am just a hot mess today...what can I say?!

This needs to end here, but with one more random thought....I am seriously missing my Breaking Bad Sundays!! BAD ASS show...so good my freshly shaved legs grow hair just watching....nothing has done that to me since Six Feet Under...

JJ

RIP Jobless Life June 11'- Oct. 11'...you will be missed, kind of..

Well, the days of Melrose Place, wine at noon, and staying up until 3am have come to an end. Yes, I took the job. I am kinda acting all douchey about it, like the way you feel a week before school starts. I sit here and wonder...can I still have smarts at work? Or has 4.5 months away caused me to lose all ability to add, spell, talk to people without saying "asshole" "Bitch" or "F"??? Either way, I have no choice. I know this is best for me and to be honest...being alone all day everyday for 4.5 months had made me a little bananas in the head. When you start to obsess over the weather and when Billy will FINALLY profess his love to Victoria on Y&R....you know you need a life! So I will miss freedom but I miss money and human contact. To be home this long and NOT have a baby is just not good for this nut job. So it's back to cursing out all the rush hour assholes, dying for Fridays, and having to pay attention and that kinda shit.

On another note, b-day weekend is over and I ate like a total asshole. I feared the scale all day yesterday as I was recovering from 8 food comas. Then this morning I decided that after the bad ass poop I birthed, it was time. I had actually lost weight! WTF WTF WTF!? THIS is why I hate the scale. All those people that weigh daily...WHY? That scale in an asshole! It will F with your brain more than a 16 year old boy who says he will call and doesn't. We have this relationship now. I talk to it as I weigh. Today I was all "REALLY?? No way? How?" (Yes, I said those words aloud.) Then there are the days I starve and feel like oh yeah, I am totally getting skinny! Then I weigh and it's up 3 and I say "You are F-ing kidding me!! Bitch!" Then your whole day is shot to shit and you suddenly feel huge 2 seconds after you trotted to the scale feeling all skinny and confident. The scale is just a bitch, plain and simple. We are not friends. No matter how nice it was to me today.

I will end this post on a sappy note....although I am semi glad I will be working again soon, I will miss C even more now. My new job is 8509979 miles away from my old job. We worked a block away for years, had lunch together every day and even though I know we will stay besties for life, nothing will be like those days of seeing her daily and going to lunch. We didn't always just go to lunch at lunch hour...sometimes we'd go to Walmart and play around with the panties and try and find the biggest pair. We found jean pajamas and took pics with them. We would stuff our face with sushi once a week, go to Sam's club to find the newest cheap clothes that were semi fashionable. We had days of laughing till it hurt, and days of insane crying over whatever mini drama one of us was going through. I hated that job, but honestly seeing C daily was the last string that kept me there. It was sanity hour in an insane work day. Eating a stupid sandwich alone everyday will make me cry, it will never be the same. So I want to dedicate a little something to C and below is a lunch time "incident" she sent me last week. It made me laugh and I can picture this perfectly as if I was there, that's how well I know C. Here is her lunch drama of last week:

UGH I am so annoyed!!!!!! Ok so today I started my day as I always do, drinking an insant breakfast and banana as I drive to this boring job. Being pregnant, I knew of course, I'd be hungry in at least two hours. I made myself a stupid sandwich to eat for later. As I finished my ritual of blog reading, internet surfing and gossip sites, I realized lunch was soon yay!! It was a perfect time for the stupid sandwich. I proceed to make my way into the kitchen where said sandwich is missing. Yes, someone fucking stole my sandwich!

I feel my pulse rising...I want my fucking sandwich now more than ever and suddenly is it no longer a stupid sandwich but a glorious little sandwich I am desperate for and some a-hole has taken it upon himself to eat it. (I refer to him as the sandwich thief).

Fine I thought. I am going to get olive garden and about a million bread sticks to fix this delima. As I pull into the clusterfuck of a parking lot where Olive Garden resides, I saw a fat inconsiderate BI pull right into the last "TO GO" parking spot!!! It is 700 degrees out, I am fucking hungry, pregnant and had to park like 3 miles away and walk to get my food. As I walk in, already ready to punch this bitch, there she is sitting at a table, so I proceeded to walk over there and asked..." Did you enjoy making a pregnant woman walk in the heat to pick up TO GO food while you are sitting here stuffing your face?" I decided a discussion to management was in order and they apologized profusely and the guy said that in the future that if I wanted to that I could park in the front of the restaurant…..So now I finally have my food in a fucking 20 gallon bag, and go back to work. As I sat my food down I began to salivate over the thought of a greasy buttery bread stick...Oh yes. I was finally somewhat over the stupid sandwich incident. I open my huge bag only to find there are NO bread sticks. Yes, that's right. NONE. I would say 90% of the reason I went to OG was to have fucking bread sticks and now I have NO sandwich and NO bread sticks. I am not satisfied and I bet that B ended up with my spot and my bread sticks. F!!!!!

I will miss lunches with C so much!!!

JJ

Loser vs Loser..and I hate the Happy Birthday Song!

You know that feeling of accomplishment when you finally drop a few lbs and suddenly you think it's ok to eat chips again because your body is now rejecting all things fat and calories? Well I took it upon myself to have A glass of wine yesterday, which turned into 3.5. Then I decided I MUST have a snack to avoid getting drunk. F F F F F F F!! Today I suddenly believe I went up 2 sizes overnight and don't deserve to eat and the worst part is birthday week is starting this weekend. See, when you have divorced parents this is not always a fun time, neither are the holidays. You have to battle out who gets real x-mas day and who gets the pretend x-mas. Anyway, all of these events will involve yummy food and drinks and I really wanted to be at my first little cute weight loss goal by this Sunday. I didn't even make it that hard of a goal! Yesterday probably set me back 3 days. UGH! Today I do not deserve anything that taste good, so I guess I will have a big bowl of lettuce for lunch and dinner. Why is food so evil?

I am not fond of making decisions, unless it involves clothing or shoes with money being no object, but these days money is no object, there is none of it. So, no shoes and no clothes. I may have a job offer coming my way...a job offer that pays way less than what I made....a job offer with cool people who wear jeans and leave early on Friday...BUT a job offer that pays just a bit more than I take in from unemployment. This is seriously difficult...it's a total loser vs loser situation. I either take the job and feel happy in my jeans everyday in a NON asshole environment, but unable to pay for shoes and ebay shit ever again...OR I make a little more and ride out this unemployment thing hoping I get a better paying job that could potentially be in a total asshole environment. It's hard being out of work as time goes on. You lose steam with each passing day. The days are long but the weeks fly by. I guess I need the job offer to officially happen before I can choose which loser I think sucks less.

I feel lifeless this week and don't even have the energy to compose a blog in progress I have wanted to post for sometime now. Sorry to disappointment the two of you that read. I should just go for a long walk, but I am having the nervous shits today and I am scared to be stranded out in the street when another one comes along. It would be like the chick in Bridesmaids who shits in the street. Awesome.

Also, I just have to say that I think the Happy Birthday song is the most awful and annoying song I have ever heard and I always fake sing it at peoples b-days.

So oh well, if I still feel like a rhino by next week at least I have many awesome things to do for the weekend and I will just do them rhino style.

JJ

Money really does fall from trees, sometimes...

This past week I started to freak out when I thought about the little time I have left with unemployment benefits. Back in June I thought for sure I'd have a job within a few weeks. Here we are almost FOUR MONTHS later, and holy shit...no job! I admit though, the longer you are away from office assholes the more you never want to go back to that again.

So this week money has been on my mind. I've started looking around my house at little things, like a lamp, or a vase, or even pieces of furniture and seeing dollar signs dance in my head. Will I get that desperate that I will end up sitting on the floor in my living room because I sold everything I own?? Maybe.

So on to the amusing yet almost embarrassing thing I must share. See, back on a glorious fall day in 2003, when I had a small apartment and didn't know how I'd afford my next quarter tank of gas, I was walking to my car after a day at my shitty job and the most amazing thing happened! I saw a dollar bill in the grass. It was mildly windy and it was floating around so I went over to pick it up only to find it was a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!!! Holy shit I thought...I looked around as if I was stealing or something and that maybe someone was about to pop out and knock me out for it, but no one was around. I quickly shoved it in my pocket and drove straight to the grocery store and FINALLY was going to have food in my house and NOT the ramen noddles I'd been having for dinner 8784509 time that year!

So my point is this....I was on a long walk the other day in the park. The hellish heat has finally gone back to hell where it belongs and I felt the need for a nice long walk. While I was walking I remembered that day and suddenly felt the universe was telling me to look around for more! I began to stare at the grass around me, almost willing that money to be there again, I mean seriously, once you see a hundred dollar bill in the grass you will never forget that sight and you can't help but look around in hopes it could happen again. The odds are slim but on this particular day last week, I walked around so long that I just knew one of those trees above was about to send money straight down to my feet once again. I even spoke aloud softly to myself "Come on money...I know there are more of you floating around somewhere, I NEED YOU, PLEASE come to me!"

Okay so that was silly I know but at the moment I thought maybe someone would have mercy on me and some rich person may drop a hundred or two the way I drop stupid pennies without knowing or caring.

No money found. I won't give up hope though. That day when I found that money I was able to get food and a FULL tank of gas and it was as if someone above knew I needed that more than the rich person that probably dropped it.

Here's hoping that one of these days, a sweet little tree will decide to help me out once again. I will even start recycling, promise.

JJ

"Grocery Store People Lie"...Based on a true story

So I admit, I am a bit of a grocery store stalker. I love to secretly gaze into peoples carts while I pretend to be looking at pinto beans, and judge them for the shit I see them buying. I especially have to laugh when I see this:

Ok people, this is just funny. This is the laziest shit I have ever seen. I can't believe that some asshole made money on this concept, and that dumbasses out there shopping are wasting their money on this BS concept. If you buy the regular size box you will notice the calories are the EXACT same and you could count out these dot size portions yourself and put it in your own 100 calorie zip lock bag. Some a-hole in a suit approved this idea like it was some new discovery of a way to be healthy. Well, not if you eat 5 "100 calories packs" and trust me...people do!! May as well eat the whole box and at least save five bucks. Idiots!

Then we have the products that catch your eye by saying "Now 50% less fat!" Did you ever read the back? I am sure the simple fact here is that the package is Now 50% smaller. How the F are these a-holes banking serious coin on these bullshit ideas?? Are people really that stupid and buying into this?





Next we have one of my favorites: "Now 27% more cereal!" or the lint rollers I bought last week that say "Now 37% stickier" SERIOUSLY!! I would like to know who the douche bag is that is measuring out this 37% more sticky factor and where he got his special number! Now on to cereal...yes, I am sure there is 25% more in this box being that is it BIGGER than the other box.

Mr. Gain man, do you really expect me to believe you are giving me double now? NO! You are trying to trick me with your bigger box, OR you are finally filling the big yet half full boxes, yet charging double and saying I get 50% more. You are a LIAR!

Now on to the "Now better tasting" and "Now with antioxidants, Now with whole wheat, Now with whole grain, Now 6% fiber added, Now low fat, Now reduced fat"

Ok, as I said before the HUGE reduced fat banner on the box really only amounts to a 10 calories difference, yet 29% less taste. I think not. And the HUGE ENORMO BANNER SHOULD SCREAM "We are gonna add 1% fiber, and some crap that contains .2646% of an antioxidant so we can now call this super healthy even though this cereal contains chocolate covered sugar balls with sugar on top.



Lastly, I must say I can't even keep up with all the original stuff that has gone haywire and become a clusterfuck mess of a product that once was good. I mean, I remember when Doritos came out with Cool Ranch in the 90's and that was a big f-ing deal!! Now you have..."Cool Ranch", "Flaming Hot we will Make your Tongue Explode", "Jalapeno Lime with Burning a-hole Diarrhea included", and of course still regular ole' Nacho Cheese with 36% more now because we let out some of the half air filled bag to put 3 more chips and up the price 30 cents. I mean the cereals are now like oreos crumbled up and called some fancy oreo cereal that is "All New"! Candy bars are all jacked up too. Why would I want my milky way now with peanut butter clusters and almonds? Can't you leave my candy alone. And no...I don't want mint M&M's. Don't we already have 86576 mint chocolate candy types already?

Look grocery store product a-hole people...you aren't fooling me. I know your tricks, and I really don't like you changing labels and saying "New Look, SAME GREAT TASTE". WTF? WHY?? Just WHY??

So the next time you go grocery shopping, be a cart stalker too and laugh at all the a-holes who are about to buy these bs items!

Happy Shopping!!!

JJ

The Helpless B who needs a huge kick in the ass!

And that would be ME! I am struggling. This may be due to the fact that my first monster rag since being off the devil BC pills is about to start. OR maybe I am just a looney B. First annoyance....my worthless diet and exercise efforts. At what point do you just stop eating?? I am so f-ing sick of counting every f-ing calorie I consume only to see I am gaining the miraculous 3 pounds I lost since starting this hard core business last week. Let's face it, I will fight this battle forever I'm sure.
I wasn't built to be a twig bitch. But THIS is ridiculous!!!

I have NO insurance right now, so I can't get labs done on my bitch hormones or my a-hole thyroid - the two major buttholes that cause me problems. I feel like I am walking around in a layered suit of fat that I am dying to peel off and feel normal again. I gave up wine people...I mean...come on!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I feel so pissed off about this that I actually considering going to an over-eaters anonymous group, but how dumb. I don't over eat!!! I feel I have NO control whatsoever over my own body and it has me pissed off today.

Being here all day waiting for the dream job that will fall from the sky any day now, is not helping. I am going to do Jillian's 30 day shred today AND run for 40 mins after. I hate every f-ing minute of working out!!! I am starting to feel like not doing it. All my friends no longer want to hear about my weight hatred, and I don't blame them one bit, but it goes deeper than they realize. For an already incredibly insecure person, this hurts me so much inside. It is all about control and when you feel in control of yourself, you have won the battle just with that alone. I feel in control of NOTHING. I always come back to the same question....HOW the F does one become secure with themselves? What's the secret??? I hear people twice my age always say.."It wasn't until I was in my late 40's that I finally figured it out." But do we EVER really figure it out?? And if we do, can't it be NOW and not when I am almost 50 years old and have saggy boobs and wrinkles??!!! I am young NOW, and it matters right the F NOW! I would go to a therapist to vent since I have driven my friends crazy, BUT again, I have no insurance right now and I can't go to any doctor for any reason, and if I break an arm or something, I am screwed!

I wish I could connect with a stranger out there in blog world. I need encouragement and someone who feels me on this battle, not only with my stupid weight issues, but the hormones BS, and more importantly, the issues within myself.

Today's post sucks, I know that. I need to vent though, even if not one person reads or cares. It helps me, just a little, and right now this beats talking to my almost deaf boston terrier. The last thing I wanna hear right now is how I just need to switch my thoughts to roses, rainbows and sunshine. NO. It is not a switch you flip, it takes time & work, and people who say it doesn't are full of shit. Those same people probably get this from some bullshit book they read that the writer banked a shit load of money on to sell his useless crap. Doesn't anyone want to deal with shit head on and without believing a book some money hungry asshole wrote will fix it all?

I made a lame to-do list and I do this every day so I won't lose my mind. Today it includes: TV for distraction, more and more job hunting, trying NOT to eat everything in my house, working out, then working out again...Let's see where this day takes me. Sunshine and roses to all on this Monday (Although I'd much rather a massive rain storm and thunder and all that cool stuff) I want summer to end, like NOW. Something about fall and cooler air brings me such a delightful euphoric feeling all by itself, almost like the glorious feeling of sitting down with a shitload of sushi and double bottle of Pinot G!! Ok, I have said enough....like 5 paragraphs ago. That's all.

JJ

Dear Wine, Sushi & Everything Delicious...You will be missed!

Dear Wine, Sushi & Everything Delicious,

It has come to my attention that you are both assholes. Although I loved you dearly and consumed you both in large amounts, it seems as though you have betrayed me. My hips, thighs and ass told me so. They screamed out in desperation to fit into a pair of fabulous jeans that they were once so familiar with.

As we discussed before this asshole is mostly to blame for the recent months. But now that I have removed the asshole from my life, I can't blame that any longer. Time to remove ALL assholes. I decided to step on a scale recently after months of pretending I was the same size. My jeans became sad, then my black shorts were sad, then the ultimate....my favorite granny panties that usually hang off me, suddenly fit a tad snug!! OH NO! You were supposed to be there for me, granny panty! You were there to cover the newest roll that was born over the summer and you let me down!!! So I now no longer have my trusty grans..those grans that covered it all...no tugging, no lines. EPIC FAIL!


Something has GOT to change ASAP, and I say this daily, yet by 5pm I have a glass of Pinot Grigio in hand and swear it is my only glass for the day. Then as soon as I finish that last tasty drop my mind and mouth tell me that I must have just one more glass of this fruity goodness....until OH NO....my bottle is empty! Wine and I used to never have an issue, but I guess turning 30 affected me, like the ACTUAL day I turned 30. F. I will be 31 in 3 weeks....what's next? Giving up lettuce?

Something has to help me stay accountable to myself, so I am telling all my blog people how it's gonna go down. I will attempt Zumba daily, bad coordination and all, and hopefully not break my good ankle. I will bore myself to tears on the half-broken treadmill I have managed to fix with a chip clip (wont need the damn clip for chips anymore anyway)...and I will eat 1000-1200 cals a day, and I will not under any circumstances consume the asshole that I once called my BFF...well, not during the week anyway.So, cheers to water, nothing, nothing, and more delicious nothing!!!

JJ

Empower your shower!!!!

So I've been driving a lot more these past few days. Due to the fact that I've started talking to my almost deaf boston terrier, I figured it was time to get out this week. So I have made it a point to go places. It seems as though I have the best thoughts, ideas, and questions while driving, naturally. The iphone, which is still new to me, is impossible to use when even the slightest bit distracted. I am not an advocate for texting and driving but I used to send the occasional text while in traffic or at a light. Not anymore. I now have to call my mother or a friend and ask them to jot down whats in my head if i feel it's an emergency thought. Today I was driving and thought about the weirdest shit. Just questions and curiosities. For instance:

WHY am I only thinking of awesome questions to write about when I am physically unable to write it down?? Why I am digging deep right now to remember them when clearly I will remember at 3:25 am when I am half asleep or next Tuesday while in a pool mid swim? Why?

Why is it that while in a dressing room at stores, something can look damn awesome and you can see yourself in it next month, with pumps you bought 7 months ago that you STILL haven't worn, at an imaginary outing with friends that probably won't occur.... then when you get home and put it on with the awesome shirt you thought you'd be "the shit" in, it suddenly looks so terrible and ridiculous? OR have you ever been in a dressing room and somehow convinced yourself that the only reason the outfit you came to the store in looks less awesome then earlier is due to the faulty lighting of the store? Yes, that store had bad lighting and somehow I had cellulite while shopping that was not there at home earlier! FURTHERMORE, WHY do stores have such shitty lighting to begin with? Do you want me to buy these bad ass jeans???? Well turn off that awful florescent lighting and I just might see a super model in the mirror and we both win. Clothing discussion ends HERE.






I might add that if I could relay what I think about in the shower...while on here, I'd be famous. I think of the best shit while washing my ass. The thoughts run so quickly while in the shower too. Almost too fast for me to keep up with as I bathe. I also wondered today...why is it when you break up with someone, they end up better off than you, when you left them for a better life? Or is that just the BS that is better known as Facebook these days? F facebook for the ability to know all about it. The thing is though, I can make you think I am so awesome and bad ass too, just from posting lies on facebook if i choose to. I hate facebook, but no one can really avoid it. I'm forced to know all about ex's and old friends and their awesome lives and I wonder how many of them just BS us all. FB discussion ends HERE!

Why is it my DVR is on PAUSE more than it is on PLAY? Don't get me wrong, I watch the hell out of DVR and don't know how I ever lived without it (post on DVR alone to follow) but here is the deal...I cannot focus if ANYTHING else is going on in the house. I do not understand people that watch a show while doing 876 other things. I feel the need to pause for everything. I pause to email someone back, to go to the fridge, to the bathroom, even to go to the store (even for 4 + hours), to take a nap, to work out. I pause so much. I should turn things off when I am away that long but why? It's just too fun to pause. DVR is my BFF, well and my almost deaf Boston terrier.

Why is it that I cannot master hand eye coordination??? Am I going to have to watch my Zumba DVD 8 times before I can get this shit down? Seriously, if anyone could watch me try to do this business they'd laugh their ass off. If I only I could literally laugh my ass off. Why do people say that? It really makes no sense if you think about it, but how awesome it would be. I don't see a point to this post tonight and I will probably feel the need to delete tomorrow but for all 4 people out there, I hope you feel me.

JJ

Today's Weather Report: It's HOT as HELL and it will never rain again, ever...

It's MID September. All the Texas a-holes were teased last week with a cold front of 90 degree highs. The mornings were 68, and I saw little douche bag skater boys walking to the bus stop in jackets. Why? Just, why? For a second I thought, oh goodie...fall is making an appearance to let us know that he is on the way! NO. It's back to being so hot that I put meat outside for ten mins yesterday rather than thaw it in the sink for 8 hours. I believe that this town is about to just blow up into a massive ball of shit fire. That's all I have to say today.

"We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us"

Has anyone noticed it is getting harder and harder if not impossible to get an f-ing human being on the phone when you have to make a service call???? I got a lovely notice in the mail saying my home own insurance was about to be cancelled. I escrow that shit. Why the F am I getting notices like this?? So here we go on today's phone call:

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. blah blah press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this.

Me: I hit "0" when I realize NONE of those 79567956 numbers apply to my issue!

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. Press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this.

Me: "0" pressed down firmly and for a long time

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. Your call may be monitored or recorded. Please stay on the line for an operator.

Recorded Operator:.....10 minutes later... We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us! Please stay on the line for the next available operator

REAL PERSON: Hello and thank you for calling ASI, to further assist you I will need your policy number, name on the account, social security number, address, bra size and color of your last bowel movement please?

Me: I answer all the questions...

REAL PERSON: How may I assist you today?

Me: Well the thing is, I got this Notice of Intent to cancel and I thought this was paid by the Mortgage company and I need to get this routed to them...

REAL PERSON: ok, please hold for further assistance..

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. blah blah press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this. (AGAIN!) This lazy asshole simply threw me back to the very beginning because that wasn't his f-ing department!

ME: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0....pressed firmly for a long time.

Recorded Operator: We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us! Please stay on the line for the next available representative - NO! You asshole operator lady, you do not care about my call and I will not be patient any longer! F YOU!

So, I finally pressed "0" so many times that a real person must have seen my keystrokes of "impatience" and took my call.

Now, I have come to realize this is also the same damn scenario when job hunting. HR people do not exist, you cannot get an e-mail address or real person. EVER. You end up on a webpage saying the following:

Please leave your comment below:

Name:
E-mail Address:
Comment(s):

OR you are taken to a page that requires you to tell your entire life on a bullshit application that is 27 pages, in which you basically retype you entire resume, THEN attach the same resume and get a nice little e-mail back saying "Thanks for applying at Djhfiudfihkjg, LLC. We have received your application. Please do not reply to this message."

Thanks a-holes! I know the truth. my application/resume may or may not make it to the stack of 8784785 resumes you already have received and told not to reply to this message.

Now wouldnt it be funny if i got desperate enough to take a job as an a-hole customer service person that has to take the call from the douche like me that pressed "0" too many times? Just a thought...

JJ