Dear Wine, Sushi & Everything Delicious...You will be missed!

Dear Wine, Sushi & Everything Delicious,

It has come to my attention that you are both assholes. Although I loved you dearly and consumed you both in large amounts, it seems as though you have betrayed me. My hips, thighs and ass told me so. They screamed out in desperation to fit into a pair of fabulous jeans that they were once so familiar with.

As we discussed before this asshole is mostly to blame for the recent months. But now that I have removed the asshole from my life, I can't blame that any longer. Time to remove ALL assholes. I decided to step on a scale recently after months of pretending I was the same size. My jeans became sad, then my black shorts were sad, then the ultimate....my favorite granny panties that usually hang off me, suddenly fit a tad snug!! OH NO! You were supposed to be there for me, granny panty! You were there to cover the newest roll that was born over the summer and you let me down!!! So I now no longer have my trusty grans..those grans that covered it all...no tugging, no lines. EPIC FAIL!


Something has GOT to change ASAP, and I say this daily, yet by 5pm I have a glass of Pinot Grigio in hand and swear it is my only glass for the day. Then as soon as I finish that last tasty drop my mind and mouth tell me that I must have just one more glass of this fruity goodness....until OH NO....my bottle is empty! Wine and I used to never have an issue, but I guess turning 30 affected me, like the ACTUAL day I turned 30. F. I will be 31 in 3 weeks....what's next? Giving up lettuce?

Something has to help me stay accountable to myself, so I am telling all my blog people how it's gonna go down. I will attempt Zumba daily, bad coordination and all, and hopefully not break my good ankle. I will bore myself to tears on the half-broken treadmill I have managed to fix with a chip clip (wont need the damn clip for chips anymore anyway)...and I will eat 1000-1200 cals a day, and I will not under any circumstances consume the asshole that I once called my BFF...well, not during the week anyway.So, cheers to water, nothing, nothing, and more delicious nothing!!!

JJ

Empower your shower!!!!

So I've been driving a lot more these past few days. Due to the fact that I've started talking to my almost deaf boston terrier, I figured it was time to get out this week. So I have made it a point to go places. It seems as though I have the best thoughts, ideas, and questions while driving, naturally. The iphone, which is still new to me, is impossible to use when even the slightest bit distracted. I am not an advocate for texting and driving but I used to send the occasional text while in traffic or at a light. Not anymore. I now have to call my mother or a friend and ask them to jot down whats in my head if i feel it's an emergency thought. Today I was driving and thought about the weirdest shit. Just questions and curiosities. For instance:

WHY am I only thinking of awesome questions to write about when I am physically unable to write it down?? Why I am digging deep right now to remember them when clearly I will remember at 3:25 am when I am half asleep or next Tuesday while in a pool mid swim? Why?

Why is it that while in a dressing room at stores, something can look damn awesome and you can see yourself in it next month, with pumps you bought 7 months ago that you STILL haven't worn, at an imaginary outing with friends that probably won't occur.... then when you get home and put it on with the awesome shirt you thought you'd be "the shit" in, it suddenly looks so terrible and ridiculous? OR have you ever been in a dressing room and somehow convinced yourself that the only reason the outfit you came to the store in looks less awesome then earlier is due to the faulty lighting of the store? Yes, that store had bad lighting and somehow I had cellulite while shopping that was not there at home earlier! FURTHERMORE, WHY do stores have such shitty lighting to begin with? Do you want me to buy these bad ass jeans???? Well turn off that awful florescent lighting and I just might see a super model in the mirror and we both win. Clothing discussion ends HERE.






I might add that if I could relay what I think about in the shower...while on here, I'd be famous. I think of the best shit while washing my ass. The thoughts run so quickly while in the shower too. Almost too fast for me to keep up with as I bathe. I also wondered today...why is it when you break up with someone, they end up better off than you, when you left them for a better life? Or is that just the BS that is better known as Facebook these days? F facebook for the ability to know all about it. The thing is though, I can make you think I am so awesome and bad ass too, just from posting lies on facebook if i choose to. I hate facebook, but no one can really avoid it. I'm forced to know all about ex's and old friends and their awesome lives and I wonder how many of them just BS us all. FB discussion ends HERE!

Why is it my DVR is on PAUSE more than it is on PLAY? Don't get me wrong, I watch the hell out of DVR and don't know how I ever lived without it (post on DVR alone to follow) but here is the deal...I cannot focus if ANYTHING else is going on in the house. I do not understand people that watch a show while doing 876 other things. I feel the need to pause for everything. I pause to email someone back, to go to the fridge, to the bathroom, even to go to the store (even for 4 + hours), to take a nap, to work out. I pause so much. I should turn things off when I am away that long but why? It's just too fun to pause. DVR is my BFF, well and my almost deaf Boston terrier.

Why is it that I cannot master hand eye coordination??? Am I going to have to watch my Zumba DVD 8 times before I can get this shit down? Seriously, if anyone could watch me try to do this business they'd laugh their ass off. If I only I could literally laugh my ass off. Why do people say that? It really makes no sense if you think about it, but how awesome it would be. I don't see a point to this post tonight and I will probably feel the need to delete tomorrow but for all 4 people out there, I hope you feel me.

JJ

Today's Weather Report: It's HOT as HELL and it will never rain again, ever...

It's MID September. All the Texas a-holes were teased last week with a cold front of 90 degree highs. The mornings were 68, and I saw little douche bag skater boys walking to the bus stop in jackets. Why? Just, why? For a second I thought, oh goodie...fall is making an appearance to let us know that he is on the way! NO. It's back to being so hot that I put meat outside for ten mins yesterday rather than thaw it in the sink for 8 hours. I believe that this town is about to just blow up into a massive ball of shit fire. That's all I have to say today.

"We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us"

Has anyone noticed it is getting harder and harder if not impossible to get an f-ing human being on the phone when you have to make a service call???? I got a lovely notice in the mail saying my home own insurance was about to be cancelled. I escrow that shit. Why the F am I getting notices like this?? So here we go on today's phone call:

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. blah blah press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this.

Me: I hit "0" when I realize NONE of those 79567956 numbers apply to my issue!

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. Press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this.

Me: "0" pressed down firmly and for a long time

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. Your call may be monitored or recorded. Please stay on the line for an operator.

Recorded Operator:.....10 minutes later... We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us! Please stay on the line for the next available operator

REAL PERSON: Hello and thank you for calling ASI, to further assist you I will need your policy number, name on the account, social security number, address, bra size and color of your last bowel movement please?

Me: I answer all the questions...

REAL PERSON: How may I assist you today?

Me: Well the thing is, I got this Notice of Intent to cancel and I thought this was paid by the Mortgage company and I need to get this routed to them...

REAL PERSON: ok, please hold for further assistance..

Recorded Operator: Thank you for calling ASI. blah blah press 1 for this and 2 for this and 99 for this and 1988686 for this. (AGAIN!) This lazy asshole simply threw me back to the very beginning because that wasn't his f-ing department!

ME: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0....pressed firmly for a long time.

Recorded Operator: We thank you for your patience, your call is very important to us! Please stay on the line for the next available representative - NO! You asshole operator lady, you do not care about my call and I will not be patient any longer! F YOU!

So, I finally pressed "0" so many times that a real person must have seen my keystrokes of "impatience" and took my call.

Now, I have come to realize this is also the same damn scenario when job hunting. HR people do not exist, you cannot get an e-mail address or real person. EVER. You end up on a webpage saying the following:

Please leave your comment below:

Name:
E-mail Address:
Comment(s):

OR you are taken to a page that requires you to tell your entire life on a bullshit application that is 27 pages, in which you basically retype you entire resume, THEN attach the same resume and get a nice little e-mail back saying "Thanks for applying at Djhfiudfihkjg, LLC. We have received your application. Please do not reply to this message."

Thanks a-holes! I know the truth. my application/resume may or may not make it to the stack of 8784785 resumes you already have received and told not to reply to this message.

Now wouldnt it be funny if i got desperate enough to take a job as an a-hole customer service person that has to take the call from the douche like me that pressed "0" too many times? Just a thought...

JJ

Why am I always hungry??

I am sick of being hungry. I just ate and now I am already fantasizing about what I will eat next, and when..I want food. always. I pull out my phone calculator to type in what I have eaten and today I am tired it!!! At this moment I would like to dive into a sushi bar buffet, eat an entire pizza, eat HEB's glorious guacamole with a massive spoon...consume Doritos in mass proportions followed by mac n' cheese and a Chipotle burrito. There is something very wrong here today.

I believe I want these things because after eating LOW everything and NO everything, everyday for YEARS...I'm starting to see it doesn't matter if I have a hand full of chips or a hand full of celery...the results remain the same.

I get so annoyed hearing about how I should grab a nice celery stick for a snack, or maybe figs and flax seeds. Figs? Flax seeds?? WTF? And what isle would I find the Flax on???

Oh...or when you read on yahoo home page as if it's a new earth shattering discovery: "DID YOU KNOW IF YOU GAVE UP SODA YOU WILL DROP TONS OF WEIGHT?"

YES! I knew that a-hole guy at yahoo!! But I don't even drink soda and never have...NEXT brilliant tip I haven't heard 167599 times, please???

I am by no means a regular junk food eater and consider myself to eat very healthy almost every day. Apparently I am the only asshole that CANNOT lose weight after changing everything to: whole grain, whole wheat, LOW cal, LOW fat, LOW carb, LOW sugar. I suppose my new diet should be the following: NO CAL NO FAT NO CARB NO SUGAR NO TASTE... "NO F-ING anything" diet. I can have water and celery due it's negative calorie content. After all, chewing it burns cals, F yeah lets get to eating that tasteless shit! No wonder celery sucks. There is nothing in it! I mean dammit, by choice I don't drink soda, ever! I don't even like sugar much, I never drink calories UNLESS it contains alcohol.

So today I feel like overdosing on all things bad and lard filled. Will it really matter if I chose that or a bowl of flax seeds? Doubtful. So...cheers to Big Mac's, brownies, chips and lard! :)

JJ

Blog REVAMPED!

For my two fans out there, this blog has now changed from C&J's lunch time ramblings, to the "talk about whatever the F I want" blog. I have changed the name of it because it represents me perfectly. I would say 12 and 18 are my two special ages that I will always be. 12 because I can still laugh at the days of prank calls, making our own band, paint brush pictures, and all the dorky stuff we did as kids, and 18 because somewhere in the back of my mind I still feel like I am going to get in trouble for drinking, cursing, or kissing boys....even though I did those things at 18 and the parents knew it. I am 30 now, and married and that alone is weird. I still feel like I am not old enough to be married, I am just an 18 year old J playing house, right? NO. It is the weirdest day when it hits you that you are old enough to do everything and anything and now even too old to do certain things. Not that I would ever audition for AI...but even if I did, how the F did I become too old for that?? When did this happen? When the gyno asked me "Are you going to want to have kids?"...my first thought was...oh my, of course not I am too young for kids!! Are you kidding me?? I am a selfish immature B who is madly in love with DVR, wine, shoe shopping, having house parties, and hanging out with friends whenever I want. But no. I am old enough, and haven't had the desire to have a child. Ever. It is totally weird to be at that age where I better hurry up and figure it out before it all dries up. My 20's were spent slowly leaving teen town. I have always felt like we are all just over grown teenagers until around 24-26ish when the drunken haze begins to lift and we meet a guy that isn't a douche bag and settle down with that guy and live in sin for a while against our parents wishes. Maybe it's true that 30 is not what it used to be. How can a teen/woman be in said drunken haze, party and kiss/sleep with too many douche bag guys and all the while, pop out a clan of babies all before 30?! Holy shit how the F is that possible?? Or maybe the 35 year old women out in the clubs these days are the moms of the 15 year olds they had way back when they were 20. Now they are 35 and living the 20's haze in reverse. So whatever....the deal is I am forced to be 30...but really I am 18. And now for Jerry's final thought....when you have a shitty 30th birthday....it is always and definitely okay to redo 30....which I intend to do for my re-30th next month. Happy times!!!

JJ

Devil pills, A bitch named Estrogen and the IUD named Gertrude!

Well, among all the jobless drama, I've figured it was high time to at least work on the current hot mess I have on my hands. Me. I realized slowly over this last year that clearly... devil pills aka BC pills, were not my friend. Yes, they may keep face craters at bay and shorter the rag time each month but....so what. They suck! Not only have they made me bat shit crazy, they have added to my already annoying battle with weight loss. F any pill that makes me a bloated bitch! Why it took 7 years to figure out, I don't know. So I have chosen the IUD, my little friend Gertrude. My friend JW and I decided to name our IUD's since we talked about them so often. She is an IUD Veteran. I would say that having the IUD I had "installed" last week was the worst pain ever aside from the kidney stone I gave birth to when I was 15. Now that shit hurt, but so did this.. Especially the part they call sounding. They have to stick a 900 foot rod thing into the vag canal all the way to the top, where nothing should ever go EVER.. and use some blue device thing that measures your cervix size. It hurt like a bitch and I thought I might hit that gyno!! I only said "holy shit" 3 times though and only dropped one "MF" through it all.

My reasons for all this IUD business is because of the bitch that is estrogen!! I guess my body made too much of that bitch to begin with, and on top of taking devil pills, it was making my mind and body a total and complete disaster!

Aside from hating the gyno, I am also a huge dentist hater but the day this midwife/gyno installed Gertrude, I hated her just as much!! And what the F is up with doctors trying to make chit chat about your dog while stabbing my cervix?? NO! I do not want to discuss my dogs size, breed and color while you have a rod in me that you very well know is about to stab me with agonizing pain. Then she proceeds to ask "So where do you work?" HA, really? I am not even going to get into that topic. What a joke. It almost hurt more having to tell her there was NO job as she poked and prodded. Just stop talking! THIS is not a time to chat! At a moment like that, I'd prefer to hear her say "This is going to hurt like a mother fucker" I really wish I was internet cool and had followers because I have questions...things that yahoo answers and google just can't answer....I swear I ask google everything I ever wonder. Last week I even googled "neon yellow urine" and google finished my own question for me and sure enough it was due to the B Complex I had taken the day before. I heart google but damn...I want a human being to answer my questions sometimes!

So anyway...What I want to know is does anyone have experience with coming off the devil pill and the moody hell that follows????? When does the demon inside finally go away??? Estrogen and messing with it, is one evil bitch of a time!!! This past week I have had to use Xanax and Wine in mass quantities to quiet down the demon. Without my two loves, I'm sure I would've put several holes in walls and broken many things I would later be pissed I broke because I bought those things, with MY own money....the money that I used to make when I actually had a damn job. To whoever reads this, all 2 of you....please feel free to comment and try and help me with remedies to force the demon within to die already! In the meantime, it's just me and the Pinot G!

JJ