Remember the days when scoring a bottle of Boons Farms from that friend that is old enough to buy it, was so awesome and tasted so good, like kool-aide, until you see it all over again in the toilet. Then you NEVER drink that shit again.
So I have come to realize lately that I suddenly and without warning, am a 30 something that has officially crossed over to the "other side".
This process is strange and I'm telling you, it's like you wake up one day and your just....old. There was so warning, no slow progression. Suddenly you just think and feel different and you start to think of your mom as a "friend." Your own parents are triggers to want to drink but not because they annoy you, but because you get drunk with them. Often.
You decide not to drive because it's raining, which you knew already from watching the daily weather report. You make sure to eat a heavy meal before going to a bar to have drinks with friends so you won't get "too drunk", you wake up before your alarm clock, you wonder what the fuck a Tumbler is....oh sorry kids, Tumblr...no E. You can barely figure out twitter and when you do, all the #@#$*&%&*^$$@@ gets too overwhelming to follow.
WHEN does this happen?? When did this happen? I don't recall this moment. I find myself now saying how dumb teenagers are for thinking they know everything, don't they get it?? You don't know anything until you are 32. Then you know everything.
Then when you are 62 you really know everything and all 30 somethings are really just 20 somethings that are starting to finally find their way. Isn't this shit a little backwards?? Why is it we finally figure it all out when we are in wheelchairs and diapers ....for the 2nd time!? What's the point of all the knowledge if you can't walk or shit on your own anymore?
Ok, now lets talk jobs. What an idiot I was to want to work the day I turned 16, cuz you know, it was so cool to have a job! Don't get me wrong, I don't regret working and learning to be responsible but holy shit....I'm 32 and wondering how much longer I will have to endure this torture... and until my dreams come true, it looks like there is a good chance I'll drop dead in a cubicle!
The work blues have now moved from starting Sunday afternoons to Saturday nights. You spend your entire life working to save to be old and have money and retire and then you can get a kick ass wheelchair and bling that shit out!
THIS just doesn't make sense!
In preparation for work, I hate washing my hair, something I once loved to spend hours doing. The fact is I have some long ass blonde hair and it gets everywhere. EVERYWHERE. You think "Oh my, what's this string like feeling going on in my ass crack???" Oh it's a piece of my hair of course! You pull it out and it takes a century to get it because you are pulling forever! I guess it's time for a trim. Washing this hair is just not a fun time. It's one of those things I'd prefer to do at like 1:34pm on a random weekday after watching Judge Judy or something. I hate washing my hair in the "getting ready" for work process. Next thing you know I'll be going to a weekly hair appointment with the blue hairs to get my hair "set".
On another note, when did I stop sleeping and start subconsciously doing the following in the middle of the night: working, visiting ex boyfriends, going to Montana by boat on the highway with some guy I know but don't really know, birthing babies and giving them away, getting pregnant by miraculous conception, giving more babies away OH and EVERY THING BUT SLEEPING! Holy shit why wont my brain EVER just go to sleep!? I wake up exhausted from all these eventful experiences and then have to go get up to go back to work!
So, in conclusion, as much as I feel that teenagers are all pretty much assholes, I'd like to go back to being one again so I can know everything, not work, LIKE EVER, sleep all the time, and obsess over Taylor Swift and her latest break up and Justice Beaver. I hear she is still dating Selena ya know, so this shit is major!!
