All Aboard The Hot Mess Express

GUESS WHO'S BACK? Hot Mess Express here... My shrink thought it was a good idea to pick this up again...even if NO ONE reads it. So here we go. Let's get this baby back on track.

2016.....We have A LOT to catch up on....

This has been the worst year of my ENTIRE life. Rather than cry all the internet tears on here, I will tell the tale of this shit-tastic year and we shall have a few laughs. For now as I gather my thoughts on it all, I will leave you with this...

JJ

OMG she's so old, she's like 30 something!!

You know you're getting older when you thank the cashier at the gas station for carding you for that cheap bottle of wine you are about to buy.

Remember the days when scoring a bottle of Boons Farms from that friend that is old enough to buy it, was so awesome and tasted so good, like kool-aide, until you see it all over again in the toilet. Then you NEVER drink that shit again.

So I have come to realize lately that I suddenly and without warning, am a 30 something that has officially crossed over to the "other side".

This process is strange and I'm telling you, it's like you wake up one day and your just....old. There was so warning, no slow progression. Suddenly you just think and feel different and you start to think of your mom as a "friend." Your own parents are triggers to want to drink but not because they annoy you, but because you get drunk with them. Often.

You decide not to drive because it's raining, which you knew already from watching the daily weather report. You make sure to eat a heavy meal before going to a bar to have drinks with friends so you won't get "too drunk", you wake up before your alarm clock, you wonder what the fuck a Tumbler is....oh sorry kids, Tumblr...no E. You can barely figure out twitter and when you do, all the #@#$*&%&*^$$@@ gets too overwhelming to follow.

WHEN does this happen?? When did this happen? I don't recall this moment. I find myself now saying how dumb teenagers are for thinking they know everything, don't they get it?? You don't know anything until you are 32. Then you know everything. 

Then when you are 62 you really know everything and all 30 somethings are really just 20 somethings that are starting to finally find their way. Isn't this shit a little backwards?? Why is it we finally figure it all out when we are in wheelchairs and diapers ....for the 2nd time!? What's the point of all the knowledge if you can't walk or shit on your own anymore?

Ok, now lets talk jobs. What an idiot I was to want to work the day I turned 16, cuz you know, it was so cool to have a job! Don't get me wrong, I don't regret working and learning to be responsible but holy shit....I'm 32 and wondering how much longer I will have to endure this torture... and until my dreams come true, it looks like there is a good chance I'll drop dead in a cubicle!

The work blues have now moved from starting Sunday afternoons to Saturday nights. You spend your entire life working to save to be old and have money and retire and then you can get a kick ass wheelchair and bling that shit out!

THIS just doesn't make sense!

In preparation for work, I hate washing my hair, something I once loved to spend hours doing. The fact is I have some long ass blonde hair and it gets everywhere. EVERYWHERE. You think "Oh my, what's this string like feeling going on in my ass crack???" Oh it's a piece of my hair of course! You pull it out and it takes a century to get it because you are pulling forever! I guess it's time for a trim. Washing this hair is just not a fun time. It's one of those things I'd prefer to do at like 1:34pm on a random weekday after watching Judge Judy or something. I hate washing my hair in the "getting ready" for work process. Next thing you know I'll be going to a weekly hair appointment with the blue hairs to get my hair "set".

On another note, when did I stop sleeping and start subconsciously doing the following in the middle of the night: working, visiting ex boyfriends, going to Montana by boat on the highway with some guy I know but don't really know, birthing babies and giving them away, getting pregnant by miraculous conception, giving more babies away OH and EVERY THING BUT SLEEPING! Holy shit why wont my brain EVER just go to sleep!? I wake up exhausted from all these eventful experiences and then have to go get up to go back to work!

So, in conclusion, as much as I feel that teenagers are all pretty much assholes, I'd like to go back to being one again so I can know everything, not work, LIKE EVER, sleep all the time, and obsess over Taylor Swift and her latest break up and Justice Beaver. I hear she is still dating Selena ya know, so this shit is major!!

I'm sorry...I didn't quite get that, please PRESS or SAY ...

So, I haven't blogged in a million years and I'm sure the 4 of you that read missed it so much. No, not really.

I have been through a world of shit since the new year started. First a bunch of crime shit started going on in my neighborhood. I had to wake up one morning to a sound that resembled a fucking gorilla banging my front door down for 15 minutes. It was 4 am and it scared the shit out of me and I find out later there was a home invasion maybe 30 mins later on the street behind mine. Some guy actually answered his door. What is wrong with you, sir??

Later in January my washing machine decided to explode and flood my entire downstairs, completely destroying my laminate floor. Awesome.



I'm thinking...well this sucks but I always hated this awful checkered kitchen floor. So this douche named Randy comes to do "restoration" to the house and tells me insurance will pay for it all so lets get this damage cost jacked up as much as possible to get us both money. This guy is a crook asshole liar to the core. Nothing he said made sense and I could tell he was a crook MF... but in a moment of crisis standing in 5 inches of water, I would've gone with any asshole to get that shit cleaned up.

Randy, I hope your asshole explodes tonight and burns with a never ending shit fire. This douche changed his price 9876598 times based on what he thought i would or wouldn't get back from insurance.





In the end...he claims I owe 1oK for drying out the downstairs. he planted 27 huge annoying loud ass fans in my house and turned off all but 6 half way through yet would NOT remove them and then claims to be owed 10K for the use of the awful machines that forced me out of my house for several days..Randy you are a bad person.

Back to the drama. So I'm thinking all is well and insurance will cover this mess, then I find out that I am an idiot and when I chose my home owners insurance deal I didn't know what the F I was doing and chose the cheapest monthly plan...which just happened to be 5% of dwelling which is 230,000...not even close to the value of the house. (its way less) So there we have it, a deductible of 12,000! SERIOUSLY??? slfhlsfdlfhgliaugouyfius fusyfiusfgsfhsoufh gdliagf/snbodhyglshaLOHcfa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




As a side note, let me mention that if you are in a crisis, and standing in 5 inches of water...you STILL have to go through the automated voice system bullshit and politely answer the lady and then hear "I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that..." at which point you want to say "F you automated asshole lady... I said YESSSSSSS!" Just sayin'....but more on that later...

So lets fast forward a few weeks. I have taken off a total of 2 days...and after being at a job since October Ive used almost all the vaca time I have. I hate hate HATE this accrued vaca time. its like a tiny dot of time every two weeks and if you never take a day off EVER....you may get an entire week after two f-ing years.

So I got sick last week from all the lovely Texas May-June weather we have had plus the thick dust clouds from my house. I can't take any time off but at least the work in my house was almost done and came to a total of 2500 MORE than what I got from insurance. Let me tell you....if I hadn't been such a cheap douche 4 years ago, I would have gotten back enough to do my floors and even replace my outdated hideous counter tops.

So the house bullshit is FINALLY over. I clean everything Friday night for like 6 hours and dust off the 4 inches of funk that has landed on absolutely EVERYTHING....I am starting to feel normal again when....after only TWO days of a house that's semi normal... my water heater decides to be a bitch and leak...all over! ......................REALLY?!

Is water out to kill me? Yes it is.

So lets call my home "PROTECTION" plan...and once again we have the AUTOMATED voice service...
......with every number this fake lady asks me to press...OR SAY...I hear drip drip drip...and hissing from the scorching hot water heater that looks like its about to explode and blow up my house. I am speaking to this fake lady as I feel my house about to collapse right in front of me and I'm yelling at her and annoyed as all hell! I feel she is a real person and I hate her for taking so long to put me to another person(s).

The finale of this boring story is that when your home warranty people tell you that you are "covered" or you are "protected" ...you are being lied to and they are assholes.

"Yes, we totally cover your new water heater ma'am...but there will be a city permit fee of 250, and 3 water fees for the city each costing 125, a disposal fee of $80 to carry from attic to garage.. but yes...you are covered ma'am"

YOU ARE A LIAR HOME PROTECTION LADY....600 bucks is hardly protection. And Randy the "restoration guy with 27 fans....REALLY??? Your fans tortured me and I was almost satisfied to live with no floors if it meant your fans were GONE forever!!! I even had a second opinion come out and that guy thought we had 20 fans too many.

People are assholes. period. I have seen it too much in two months time to think otherwise. Don't trust insurance people or the automated liar lady who doesn't give a shit if you are standing in fire as long as you PRESS or SAY "1".

Also I really hate "Spring forward" time change. This has nothing to do with anything but it adds to my tortuous Jan-March drama. You see, I enjoy dark at 630 knowing I still have the whole night. I don't like that at 845 its still light and i know it's almost shower time...and speaking of shower time...now its time for cold showers since i have no water heater.




F M L

Blah

I am not feeling normal this past week. I am an irritable bitch at the moment and even vino can't fix this. And no, I am not on the rag or pregnant. Just a bitch. :/

My list of weirdness...Inspiried by the annoying Target lady

I am not a normal girl, like at all. Stupid Black Friday is what got me to thinking this.

I was thinking about the 800 things about me that are so different from most chicks, and it is kinda weird but I am ok with that. At times though, I am the jerk that won't participate in certain girly activities, because they torture me when I do. Let's start with the obvious...

1. SHOPPING (this is debatable so the more obvious would be...BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING)

Look....I like purses and shoes just as much as the next girl..really I do. BUT I would never camp outside of JC Penny's to get that purse or shoes for 5 dollars off, even 15 dollars off. I don't care how good of a deal that is, HELL NO!!!! I would like to go inside the minds of people that do this and see what could possibly compel someone to do this every year. I am not well off or anything. In fact I am rather low on funds...like always. I don't ever go without paying bills, but I do go without things I want. All. the. time.

Seriously there is a solution to this...EBAY & AMAZON. I am a psycho bargain hunter. I will find those same JCP shoes or purse....probably on ebay, amazon, OR even the JCP site with 8 promo codes, bringing my price down 40 bucks. I will search and search the high heavens of internet lands to find these items I can't go on without. This situation also happens to be very convenient. This means that while I am shopping I can do 98767 other things... like pee if i need to, shower if I need to, watch bad TV as a shop and all without standing (camping) outside a store with evil psychos for days. Just the Target lady commercial this year alone made me despise the black devil Friday shopping even more. Instead, I went to visit fun people and have drinks while all the douche bag Best Buy and Walmart campers trampled on each other.

Aside from Black Friday, I still don't enjoy random shopping. I will NOT go to the mall. When I go shop I have a list of things I am after, and then I make it about half way through before the immense annoyance for things such as these occur:

**People who just stop, mid walk in the mall and clog the walking path

**The annoying lotion guy at the kiosk who stalks you to let him tell you how bad ass your hands are about to feel, OR...

**Women with their 5 kids keep running in front of me, crawling under dressing room doors, or just screaming for no reason. NO NO NO!

As I mentioned before...during my 4 months of unemployment I thought shopping would be a nice pleasurable experience while normal people were at school & work. NO. That is key time for the annoying house wives to come out with all their kids, you know...those little assholes who are under 5?? NO NO NO!

2. JEWELRY

I do not hate jewelry. In fact I love it. BUT..I love the kind of stuff you find that you envision piecing with a certain outfit and these items usually cost under 10 bucks and usually last about 2 to 4 times of wearing. I have tons of that type of fun junk. I just have never been the girl who wishes for diamond studs for x-mas or a "tennis bracelet". What a dumb term anyway. Why would I wanna wear the same stuff everyday? It is annoying how some girls are all obsessed with crap like that. I will never be the chick who wishes for diamonds or whatever. In fact, if I received some of that shit from Walmart, I probably wouldn't even know the difference.

3. Dishes...aka CHINA

THIS IS THE WORST! I couldn't give two shits about some ugly floral patterned plates and the mini size tea cups with another ugly plate to go under it. WHY??? You people that have this use it maybe once a year and then what? Display it? NO. I don't see the point in this and I don't ever look at your ugly flowered plates when they are just "on display". I'd rather spend that massive amount of money on something cool that I'd use...oh I don't know...even six times a year will do.

I have dishes that match my crap but they are just dishes and if one breaks, oh well. I will never spend even ten bucks on fancy (ugly) dishes called china and display them like "Oh look at my expensive dishes...aren't they so awesome and rich looking?" This actually puts you at asshole status if this is you. NO CHINA EVER! Bring on the paper plates please...

4. Christmas decor

This one is not 100% out of the question. As much as my fake tree is a horrible nightmare pain in the ass, that makes a HUGE mess, I got it down this year. I can handle the tree. I can even get semi excited about this tree, maybe even a wreath on the door and lights...but I cannot understand those people who put away ALL daily towels, soap dispensers, rugs, and dishes to use Santa on everything for a month.... or more.

The x-mas bathroom hand towels are the worst...especially with a Santa shaped soap thingy next to it. I used to get x-mas stuff for x-mas every year....and on x-mas day and I'd be like "Oh wow, yay! Thanks, I will be sure to put that in storage for next year as soon as I get it home" Then I never get it out again. I just don't feel the need to go that far with it and I never had space to store a shit load of x-mas crap anyway. I politely requested no longer getting x-mas stuff for x-mas.


5. Nick Nacks & Figurines

I apologize if this offends anyone, but I f-ing hate nick nacky shit and figurines so damn much! It just looks like a big clutterfest and it's ugly. I don't get why women like this kinda crap! I want a house to look as simple as possible while still having style and feel comfortable. I instantly feel anxiety if I walk into someones house and there are 97755489768686 figurines staring at me. It feels as if I could stand up to quickly and they'd all start falling off those stupid little shelves people put against a blank wall to display them. You will never see me walking through Hallmark. I worked there for like 5 seconds as a teen and still feel tortured even seeing that place.




6. Cooking

I like to eat, and I cook, but I don't cook. The extent of my cooking is thawing out chicken and using whatever marinade I can find, then baking it and opening a can of corn/beans and heating that on the stove. Instant dinner. I have never spent hours and hours attempting to cook one meal and I probably never will. I don't mind cooking my little half ass meals, but anything beyond that is not a fun time. Cheers to all the chicks that love to cook. Invite me over.

7. Women who are always cold

I am annoyed at women that are always cold...you know, that lady in the office that has a sweater on in August and complains how cold she is every. single. day. Why are women so cold all the time? I'm thinking this is something that is just off about me because I haven't met my match on always being hot yet and probably never will. I sleep with the ceiling fan on high in December, and wouldn't even turn on the heater if the people in my house didn't force me to. Give me 40 degree weather and a blanket and I'm good to go for when it gets cold in the house. Women that are always whining about being cold seem all fragile and weak to me. I just feel annoyed at them and being in someone elses house or car and being hot is high on my list of things that suck major..

OK, so I am sure there are way more things...but these stuck out in my head as I watched the black Friday assholes and all their injuries from the Walmart stampede. Happy X-mas shopping.

JJ

I have a bad ass blog in the making...but for now it's just THIS ....

There is this wonderful blog I am so close to posting. It is the things I love vs the annoying things in life I hate. I have been adding things to each list for months now. It's not one of those blogs you can't just whip out without recalling what some of these things are, as they happen in daily life. Some of these things you won't even think of until the actual moment. For instance....I LOVE sitting Indian style, like always. I will be in bed at night winding down with DVR (one of my favorite things in existence, but don't we all find ourselves unable to live without it?)

Anyway, so I will be DVRing my ass off and sitting Indian style in the bed. In more recent happenings, I have tried to abstain from sitting that way in the office chair. I always used to before, but then again I had an office and I also had a toaster, heating pad, blender, and candles in this office.I wasn't sure if sitting this way was totally inappropriate to office people or if this was a normal thing. All i know is, when I look around I never see an adult woman sitting in such a way in an office environment. Maybe because people still find dresses necessary for work. I own 2 dresses.... and they are both for wedding type events. Pants allow the Indian style position to be possible in all situations. I adore that and finally last week my legs were almost twitching to be in that position. It is almost second nature to just throw those legs up into that chair in a perfect Indian position and pull myself under the desk so no one sees it. I understand this is not lady like, but that term sucks and is stupid anyway. Why do I have to be "lady like". What is lady like? I will sit with my ankles behind my head if i feel the need an according to my BF "C", I am quite flexible, hence my immense love for the Indian style sitting.

I HAVE SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME DISCUSSING HOW I CHOOSE TO SIT. MY INDIAN STYLE LOVE DISCUSSION ENDS HERE!

Now, on to my awesome blog topic. It will happen soon. I get that no one comments, but I know at least 5 of you now read and are dying to know my thoughts on all things awesome....you are...right???

It is an awesome thing to not hate my job, and not be crying by 5pm on a Sunday. It is NOT so awesome to find a pair of bad ass jeans that you forgot you had and put them on... to discover they cause a serious crotch comfort issue, BUT with that said, I am making good progress and I will be in all my old pants by x-mas.

YES I WILL...I have lost some weight finally after 3 months off the devil's pills. Speaking of x-mas...

I would like the end this pitiful entry with a thought about the holiday season. I have always enjoyed laughing at the x-mas songs in October..the lights that people start putting out on November 1st and most importantly....the Christmas clothing. I have been a huge x-mas scrooge for the past few years and didn't even feel the need for a tree, but this year I feel 58% more holiday-ish and will deal with the tree situation. BUT...under NO circumstances will x-mas attire EVER EVER EVER be ok and I will not EVER be ok with the car antlers that I am ALREADY seeing and will see well into mid January!!

Ok, this is going no where fast and it's time to go chill. I have a sore throat from laughing at such things all day yesterday with C as we wandered about the stores for about 10 hours, which is a miracle for me being that I hate shopping and prefer Mr. UPS to bring me the things I want and must have within 3 to 5 days.

Someone is b-a-n-a-n-a-s this Halloween!

Please ignore my "word vomit" post from yesterday. I thought about just deleting it to hide from my embarrassing rants and thoughts that were CLEARLY all over the place, but then I realized....who cares?!?! That is how I felt last night so F it, and let it be. If I only posted when I felt rosy posy warm flutters inside, it would be a boring ass blog. I only feel and think sunny thoughts about 57% of the time so....you know.

It's Halloween night and I must say, once again....I am SO thankful Halloween was cool still when I was a kid. I'm sorry but a big ass Tahoe dropping kids off every five houses, then driving to catch up, is lame and all the traffic created from everyone having this bright idea makes Halloween just a POS time for kids these days.

When I was a kid, me and the kids on my street would walk a few blocks in a group and had the most fun. Just like how we'd play outside until our parents forced us in to eat dinner. DAMN...no one has to FORCE me to eat dinner nowadays, that's for sho! Can you imagine??? It would be like....

"You best come in here and eat this hot place of delicious goodness OR else!"

So you say..."Hell yeah, don't mind if I do! Make me 2 of that shiz right now please!"

Anyway....so yeah, Halloween (the actual day) is kind of crap now. I am glad adults can still celebrate and make their own fun with it. Halloween parties and events at bars are super fun this time of year, but you never forget Halloween as a kid....even if your mom DID dress you up in a box 3 times your size, wrap you, and call you a walking present. Yes, that's right. Well, that's all...

Happy Tahoe creepin' you crazy fools!!